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血氣不足女子睡眠不足的碎碎念

眼睛只像是半睜開,看到些在眼前的東西,都覺得伸手過去很難,走幾步都很難,只是呆在原處,自覺是一團軟綿綿的東西,只能靜靜的輕輕的嘆氣,然後發現,我這樣應該是氣血不足。

醫書形容,女人每月都收到身體成績表。成績表顯示,原是凝滯的現在多點活力流動了,原是深沉的變鮮豔了。曾會昏厥,痛到站不穩,這兩個月只是隱隱作痛。其實仔細看的話,成績是在緩慢的進步。只是每次的考驗,仍是要命,先是醞釀感冒的倦怠,到感冒昏睡足足兩天,嘔兩三次,派成績表時虛弱無力一整天。毫無生氣的日子已是第七天了,那天從病床醒來不是看克羅地亞對法國嗎,今天克羅地亞球員已返鄉,連到俄羅斯領事館聲援Pussy Riot的行動都已過,連話題都快蒸發掉時,我倒好像倒退到決賽前夕的身體狀態,還是病懨懨、鬱鬱不樂的。心底忍不住盤問自己,喂,這是不是懶惰,是不是逃避啊?明明沒有在返工,而休息也是其中一個任務,但要做的事的清單總是那麼長。

前幾天感冒初癒的晚上,可能因為日間睡多了,晚上睡在床上突然很清醒亢奮。所有日間沒精神做也沒意慾做的事,爭先恐後的衝出來,例如一篇想了主旨而未寫的文章(不是這篇),在腦中順著一句句的唸出來,又有很多人的臉孔,有訊息,諸如此類。忍不住爬起來,不看時鐘,將那篇文章的一半匆匆傾瀉在筆尖,讓心頭少些東西壓住,回去總算睡到。

怎料,之後幾晚都睡不好,總是有好多念頭像下班時間的金鐘地鐵站的人頭那般洶湧,又因膠著而躁動,有些則是狂奔回家的姿勢,橫衝直撞。

我深呼吸。我禱告求神給我平安,願我不再想明天的事。我舉起雙腳讓血倒流。我按摩臉部和耳朵。我忍住只看幾頁書。我做瑜珈的child pose。我練習讓逐個身體部位放鬆。很艱難才睡著了,就做些古怪的夢。

一晚,我在重重關卡裡頭,要逃避其他人互相的廝殺,那種廝殺沒有血,但有奸計和仇恨,像是一個半真半假的電腦遊戲,我要鬥智鬥力。我先預先看了一次,才正式進入關卡。我進入了那最危險的關卡後,婆婆在我身旁,我們坐在原為了讓人冥想的坐墊,但沒有任何人真想進入寧靜。我要用好多方法和言語,才能制止奸人殺我和婆婆。

中間沒打殺時,有一幕是,我的婆婆指著一棵植物,說是雪耳,摘來給我吃。摘下來的,像大的龍珠果,有淺黃色的脆弱的葉,包成一團。另外未能摘下的,看起來像火鍋的響鈴卷,但帶點頹廢。

昨晚,有些潛伏許久很難解的問題,又將我夾在中間。有人不知就裡,要我出手,我要先將一排連住的櫃,像手風琴伸縮那樣,推進一個最深的櫃。我好想離開。然後,我竟然找了個錯的人,而不知怎向另一人解釋,滿是罪疚。

而其中有一個畫面是,有一幢「樂民新邨」,六角形的,以棕色和白色為主調,有一排像觀景餐廳落地玻璃的升降機,嵌在六角形的其中一面,像捲軸般會從屋邨的高處,慢慢滾下來攤開在地下,人們就走出來。夢中我看到,那是新版的樂民新邨,舊版的是,在六角形的公屋外圍,加上一排六角形的落地玻璃升降機,看來較像跳樓機,升降機會垂直移動,經過所有單位的窗外。我想,哦,新版升降機變小了,六角形的其中一面為了做升降機,就少建了些單位。(升降機是我夢中不停出現的意象,見過很多很多種升降機。) 這樣醒來,無怪乎是沒精神沒力氣的吧。

昨晚又在禱告求睡得著時,發現,原來問題不在於明天。而是我很不滿意我的「今天」。其實我無論如何,都覺得自己做得不夠,做得不好,沒有善用時間。我問自己,喂大佬,搞乜呀,有冇真係咁差呀?我要問上帝,其實上帝會否覺得我已做夠了,做得很好了,已經滿意了。(從小就想著盡心盡性盡意盡力,以為怎樣都不夠「盡」。但我突然記得,好像不是這樣理解的。)

那一瞬間,我突然看到這天,那幾項我應該接受自己算是做到的事,以及裡頭因精神渙散而成的遺憾,及遺憾而生出的一些空間和留白,就這樣的今天,滑進一個小信封之中,再滑進上帝的手裡,祂滿意地收下了。這不是我們禱告時常說的「求祢悅納」嗎?原來我如此不喜悅自己的每一天,如此狠狠的要求自己達到一些要求,也沒有發現過上帝悅納的,不關乎成就和效率。祂才沒有我這麼harsh和不近人情和不可理喻的要求高啊!就是這麼簡單,接受、喜歡自己活過的一天,認可為我的人生的一部份,可以是每天完結時的禱告。接著我不用再求平安,就很快睡著了。

(這是為文章鋪排而寫的較美好的完結,時序上,其實是有這個關乎悅納的禱告後,再做了那個樂民新邨的夢-.- 今天希望會好一點啦,不過也希望嚴苛的我不要視睡得好成為我覺得今天「好」的一個要求。)

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Hills alive with sound of sales

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A SHORTAGE of properties is fuelling a strong sales and rental market in the Adelaide Hills, with one Mt Barker house attracting a whopping 19 lease applications.“,”link”:”https:\/\/cdn.newsapi.com.au\/link\/782da2dfa61aeeb166187b401791a5fd”,”paidStatus”:”NON_PREMIUM”,”originalSource”:”The Advertiser”,”originalAssetId”:”27b5d154-8b05-11e8-a9c6-6539354290fa”,”version”:”PUBLISHED”,”dateUpdated”:”2018-07-20T08:30:21.000Z”,”dateLive”:”2018-07-20T20:30:00.000Z”,”customDate”:”2018-07-20T20:30:00.000Z”,”dateCreated”:”2018-07-19T03:38:09.000Z”,”status”:”ACTIVE”,”thumbnailImage”:{“contentType”:”IMAGE”,”id”:{“value”:”99c65240d2022da4107d3ea720acab85″,”link”:”https:\/\/api.newsapi.com.au\/image\/v1\/99c65240d2022da4107d3ea720acab85″},”originId”:”crop-22a096feb1db14862c8ba1de578b0632″,”origin”:”METHODE”,”title”:”Hills real estate market on fire”,”subtitle”:”3f9b20cc-8bb3-11e8-886c-820f8e509572″,”description”:”Hills real estate market on fire. さらに7,758語

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Work of Art

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A NETHERBY home has been given a stunning renovation and is set within walking distance of some of the state\u2019s most popular public and private schools.“,”link”:”https:\/\/cdn.newsapi.com.au\/link\/33264c8b924ebc960d960cba11d6a2be”,”paidStatus”:”NON_PREMIUM”,”originalSource”:”The Advertiser”,”originalAssetId”:”c4c0c700-898a-11e8-a9c6-6539354290fa”,”version”:”PUBLISHED”,”dateUpdated”:”2018-07-20T09:02:35.000Z”,”dateLive”:”2018-07-20T19:30:00.000Z”,”customDate”:”2018-07-20T19:30:00.000Z”,”dateCreated”:”2018-07-17T06:29:33.000Z”,”status”:”ACTIVE”,”thumbnailImage”:{“contentType”:”IMAGE”,”id”:{“value”:”3e2b2347af2ad9afcfd383f3117066be”,”link”:”https:\/\/api.newsapi.com.au\/image\/v1\/3e2b2347af2ad9afcfd383f3117066be”},”originId”:”crop-1bfe3a46101fa45fdd2501f81fdceaa2″,”origin”:”METHODE”,”title”:”523 Fullarton Road Netherby. さらに8,341語

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‘Spat on and punched’: Fans attack Tour

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Toop&Toop auctioneer makes history

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‘Froomey is the leader’: Sky riders won’t do battle

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